The Objective Observer

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Sports

• Maurice Clarett Revisited
• The Whole NHL Fiasco
• Maurice Clarett
• The Best Damn Fans in the Land
• The Aftermath

Alright, I’m not sure what has been wrong with me lately. Apparently I have just had to vent about a few things. I am not really that angry of a person but particular people seem to be irritating me a little more than normal lately. But I am over all that. I am going to do something completely selfless for people that don’t deserve it one iota.

I am going to show the NHL players and owners how to come to terms with one another. We’ll call it “atonement” for being “mean” to Mr. Brown and Mr. Clarett. And, just in case you don’t feel that this is punishment enough, believe me this is not going to be easy. I am going to bite my tongue and not badger either side throughout this article. And if there are people so blithering, self-absor… OUCH! Oh man, I better hurry or I am not going to have anything left but a bloody stump inside my mouth.

Before I get started though, I have to come clean. I don’t watch hockey; at all. Couldn't care less about it. However, I DO respect it. Hockey is actually a sport. It involves copious amounts of blood and violence. And let’s face it, that’s what REALLY defines a sport. Yeah, yeah, skill and all that, but what we REALLY want to see is people HIT each other. Sports are competitions and players are the gladiators. That’s why soccer, basketball, baseball and golf are barely sports, golf worst of all.

I don’t really watch many sports, but when I do; I watch rugby first, college football second and pro football every once in a while. Note, they all involve hitting. And, OK, if the Indians are in the pennant race, I’ll watch that. But other than that, I don’t watch sports. I played rugby in college and that’s why I like to watch it. But there are way too many whiney crybabies getting paid huge sums of money that they don’t appreciate to watch much, if any, “pro” sports. Why would I want to support THAT? So anyway, be men, step up and read the rest of this article.

First of all, this article is going to help the players out far more than the owners. Face it, the owners have tons and tons of money and are apparently extremely united. So they don’t need much, or any, help. Besides they don’t deserve any help anyway. So this is primarily going to help the players, not that they deserve it any more than the owners. Tongue, going numb...

OK, players, here’s a clue. It’s not about the money, it’s about the formula. Stay with me here and if you guys are already focused on the formula and this has not been reported correctly by our illustrious media, then I’m sorry to bore you with all this but read on anyway because I think there are some things that are going to help you guys. As you probably already know, the media in this country tends to have to dumb things down so much that they rarely are able to report anything accurately. Hey, I said I wouldn’t badger either side, everyone else is fair game. I’m only human.

Let’s see, you have two groups that are relatively equally dependent upon one another for the success of their industry, the owners and the players. We’ll ignore everyone else like coaches, managers, agents, etc. for right now but, never fear, we’ll get to them in a minute. These two groups need each other to make it all work. Players need owners and owners need players.

So then, a fair minded individual might in a fit of sheer insanity say that if you have two groups of people that need each other relatively equally, then you might take the total gross revenues and divide it 50/50 between the two groups. Seems fair enough and absolute lunacy at the same time. Nice. And don’t worry, I know all about the objections on both sides and we’ll cover them. Trust me.

So, if we naively believe the $2.l billion figure, split it 50/50 and divide the one halve between the 30 NHL teams we get $35.0 million per team. But everyone knows that $2.1 billion figure is bunk, right? The owners hide all kinds of proceeds from parking, etc.

So at 2.1 billion * 1.15 split 50/50 and divided between 30 teams is $40.25 million per team. Hmm, this is pretty close to the owner’s $42.5 million per team. So it looks like even the owners admit that they are AT LEAST giving themselves a “tip” with extra revenues.

Now, to get up to the player’s figure, we can use $3 billion in total revenues, which works out to $50.0 million per team, which is pretty close to the player’s $53.9 million figure.

So are the owners really hiding a billion or more in revenues? Well, so what if they are? Players, hear me out on this. Yes, the owners are super insanely rich and hide profits but they ALSO pay all the expenses. They pay for your equipment, your travel, your coach, your managers, your trainers, for the people that collect parking receipts, for marketing folks; the list goes on and on and on. Maybe not ALL those expenses but at least SOME of those expenses. And what are YOUR expenses as a player in all this? NOTHING! You have the same expenses as any other person has unless you are a bonehead…OUCH! Oh man, that hurt. I mean unless you are not fiscally responsible and do something completely reckless through absolutely no fault of your own. OK, I’ve got a nice, consistent trickle of blood going down the back of my throat now. Joy. You guys better appreciate this.

Anyway, a fair-minded person might conclude that you don’t really even deserve 50% of the reported revenues of that “paltry” $2.1 billion. So the owners are, technically, being “nice” by offering you a $42.5 million cap per team. I know, that’s probably grating to admit, but you HAVE to admit it. You cannot reach any other logical conclusion. If you want MORE money, then offer to pay half the expenses. How about that? Probably don’t like that idea much. Oh well. So anyway, you guys should have accepted the $42.5 million cap. But that’s probably not much help right now. So, I’ll continue to suffer in unbelievable agony and give you guys some more advice that you can actually use going forward.

It appears from a quick check of http://www.nhl.com that the average roster for an NHL “team” consists of about 30 players. Again, if a fair minded individual looked at this, he or she might say that since this is supposed to be a team, maybe, just maybe, everyone on that team is just as important as everyone else and therefore everyone should be paid the same? I know, crazy logic there. Woo, that’s certainly a leap of…oh man, the pain, the pain...

Let’s keep this moving before I pass out. Getting a little light headed. Using this “crazy” logic and definition of a team, that is either $1.17 million per player per year, $1.34 million per player per year or $1.67 million per player per year respectively using the figures from above. Here’s where we need a quick reality check. How much more money do you people need? Note that I can get away with the using the term “you people” since everyone in the NHL is apparently white. This certainly isn’t “subsistence” level. The vast majority, 99.99%, of us poor non-skating slobs will NEVER see that kind of cash in a single year. That’s still, $772,200, $884,400, or $1,102,200 per YEAR AFTER TAXES at a rate of 33%.

If you can show a little self-control, a single year or two in the league would net you enough income for the rest of your life to make a GREAT living via bonds or other safe investments without EVER touching the principle. You could AT LEAST buy a house or two and a couple cars outright and you’d be MILES ahead of 99.99% of the rest of us poor ass peons that scrape by on less than 8% of even the LOWEST figure per year. If somebody just gifted me about $150,000 one time after taxes, I’d be pretty well set for LIFE where I could live on about $15,000-$20,000 per year to pay utility bills. And I could do just about ANYTHING to make that kind of cash. A few years working at “normal” salary and I would never have to work again.

Man, I have to learn how to ice skate. What the hell was I thinking learning engineering and computers? Apparently those skills are WAY more worthless to society than ice skating…I know, I know, but my tongue is completely numb right now so it’s not doing any good to chomp on it anymore. CRUNCH!

Andth the besth parth, you fire all ofth your agents and yourth union, the “wonderful” people that got you into this meth to begin with and conduct the collective bargaining as a UNIFIED group. And since you are all making exactly the same money you are united as a unit and as teams. No one is better than the other, you are all working TOGETHER to improve the league as a whole. Boy, mentioning agents and unions in the same sentence has simply sent me over edge. I’m not sure how much of my tongue is left, I can’t really feel it so I am going to continue by gnawing on my cheek. Boy this sucks.

But I’m going to keep going and spell this out for you. I realize that this utopia of “everyone” makes the same wage is just too crazy and simple to be acceptable to your egos... Uggggghhh. I mean unacceptable to how great and awesome you are as individual beings who...deserve...every...dime... Sorry, I simply can’t finish or reword that sentence without making fun of anyone.

Anyway, you can step it in terms of a “vetting” over, say, 4 years. So, the player’s wage formula might be something like:

(a * x) + (b * 1.15x) + (c * 1.30x) + (d * 1.45x)= G / 2

Let’s see, one equation, one unknown, that’s pretty tough to solve there guys. Losing blood…head feeling faint…must endure…

If you don’t like that equation, then try this one:

(a * x) + (b * 2x) + (c * 3x) + (d * 4x)= G / 2

So now “seniors” earn 4 times more than newbies. Or even:

N * x = G / 2
n * x = Individual’s salary

Basically “N” stands for the number of years in the league of ALL players in the league and “n” stands for the number of years of a particular player in the league. So everyone earns a base salary multiplied by the number of years each individual has in the league. You guys all took Algebra right? I mean, you HAD to have had at least a little BASIC FREAKING MAT...Hack! Choke! Gurgle...

Ahem. If you want to make things a little more complicated, add in an additional term or two so that a certain percentage is set aside as a “performance measure” so that stand-out players can earn bonuses for stellar play or for being starters. Hell, do anything to the formula you want, but work one out that doesn’t rely on giving your money to “agents” to do “negotiations” that apparently result in nobody making ANY money. If nobody can handle the math, you can hire a math professor or ANY engineer for about $45,000 - $100,000 per year, fire all of your agents thereby saving yourself, what? 20% off the top? Fire all of your union negotiators, if you have them, saving yourself a couple more million and get on with it. Hell, I’ll do it for a one-time payment of $150,000 after taxes. You’ll be MILES ahead people.

Damn, I understand that you beat each other senseless like Neanderthals, but you’re supposed to have evolved just a little. I KNOW that at least one of you is at least a LITTLE smarter than a... ooooooooooohhhhhhh... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh... blackness... closing... in... laptop... screen... fading... passing... o......................................................................................