The Objective Observer

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General Ranting

• Maureen Dowd is a Sexist Pig
• Everything Bad Is Still Bad for You
• The Da Vinci Code

OK, so I just finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Now, this may not seem like a big accomplishment to some of you, but for me, it is quite an event. I tend not to read for “pleasure”. In fact, my reading generally consists of various IT manuals which I simply use as reference to find what I need to get a particular task done and then back on the shelf it goes. And I haven’t read one of those things cover-to-cover since my first DOS manual, which about bored me to tears. But, I still spend quite a bit of my work time at a command prompt either in Linux or “DOS” so I got a lot of mileage out of it I suppose.

Anyway, even if I do read an actual “literary” book, it tends to be something non-fiction based such as To Engineer Is Human or something I am equally certain that most everyone else would probably find about as dry as a Triscuit in the Sahara. And the last time I read something like THAT has to be a good six or seven years ago. So, like I said, reading something fictional is a big event for me. I just don’t tend to get much out of them and it really pisses me off when I have to keep track of about 50 gajillion freaking characters and how they relate to one another. Ugh! Give me a comic trade from Ellis any day over crap like that. At least I can SEE the damn people I am supposed to reading about.

So, on to the point, I sacrificed some valuable time with my wife and did something COMPLETELY uncharacteristic of myself to read this damn The Da Vinci Code. Not sure what possessed me but it has been getting all kinds of press lately and it seemed to fall along some of the same lines as some of my current research. Plus, it was 30% off at Barnes & Noble, so I figured, “What the hell!”. So I read it and really enjoyed it right up until the end. But, hold on, I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

First off, before I tear into your sorry ass, Mr. Brown, I must commend you for writing a fine novel that I found quite entertaining…up until the end. Admittedly, there were some glaring inconsistencies in some of your research, but even with all of the quotes and pontification about how well the book was researched and this and that information is absolutely true and blah blah blah and on and on, I wouldn’t be writing this article right now if it were not for the ending. To be more specific, not the entire ending but actually one stinkin’, stupid ass line of the ending. But I’ll get to that in a moment. Next, because I am forced to beat you soundly with verbiage I am going to point out the inconsistencies in your research that I refuse to believe you didn’t know about, but instead chose to simply “ignore”. That’s all fine and dandy and quite forgivable, except; that’s right, the ending. That single STUPID sentence.

So, on to the first rather OBVIOUS inconsistency regarding your “research”. You state in the book that the “Church” invented the concept of “original sin”. Uh, no. Basic Greek mythology and most other “pagan” mythologies ALSO have the concept of “original sin”. They may not call it that, but it is there and pretty obvious. For instance, if we take Hesiod’s Theogeny as an example. No less than TWO things that you could point to as original sin. First is Prometheus giving “fire” to mankind. This kind of pissed off Zeus if you recall and he “punished” mankind by sending them, who? Oh yeah, Pandora, who, if you don’t like the first example of “original sin”, provides a nice second example of “original sin” by taking the lid off of her jar releasing plagues, pestilence, etc. I would call releasing all of the ills of mankind a “sin”. That’s just me. Oh, and I almost forgot, there is also the fact that Cronos castrated Uranus because "he first thought of doing evil things". It's a reference to imprisoning some of his offspring deep in the bowels of the Earth. There's a THIRD reference to "orginal sin". I hate to be such a nit-pick, but when it is this easy...

This then leads me to the SECOND glaring inconsistency in your research. This whole “sacred feminine”, “goddess” thing-a-ma-jing, whatchamacallit. This one is particularly irritating because it forms the basis of your entire book, but it is OBVIOUS from texts like Theogeny that the pagans also had their concerns about the feminine persuasion, shall we say. Now, granted, the pagans were much more upbeat on females than say the early Catholics, Christians and OF COURSE the crazy ass Baptists; many of whom still seem to want to subjugate women back into the stone ages. But, come on, the text is pretty clear. Zeus had all of the other gods and goddess give Pandora gifts, making her “all endowed” and finally; I believe it was Hermes, granted her a mind “of a deceitful nature”. Now, add to this that she is the FIRST WOMAN, a PUNISHMENT to mankind as the “price” of “fire” and you are starting to lose this whole “sacred feminine” bit. Oh yeah, and then she opens the damn jar and screws mankind; apparently in more ways than one.

So, there you have it, some fairly damning indictments of your “oh so thorough” research. Now, of course these kinds of glaring things are rather forgivable despite being glaring and all. You had a good concept going, it is fiction and these kinds of annoying inconsistencies can really muddle up a good story. Hell, I wouldn’t even be writing about them if not; the ending...

So here we go. Now let me set this up. The ENTIRE point of the novel is this quest to SAVE the knowledge of the whereabouts of the Holy Grail. This is the reason “grand-pere” strips himself naked and contorts his wrinkly little ass into a Da Vinci drawing, leaves all of the various codes and other clues, drags his granddaughter and Mr. Langdon into getting chased around by cops and a fanatical albino monk. This is THE ENTIRE PLOT OF THE STORY.

So I read through 105 freaking chapters PLUS an Epilogue; because apparently 106 chapters would be “just plain silly” and right at the end Mrs. “grand-mere” or whatever reveals the tasty little tidbit that the Priory of Sion has NEVER intended to make the Holy Grail public. WHAT THE…!?!?!?!?!!!! WHAT? WHO? HUH?!?! Then WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE ENTIRE F’IN BOOK???? Squooosh, that’s the sound of your entire plot getting flushed right down the ol’ crapper. I would expect this kind of idiocy from a Star Trek episode, but I thought that “real” authors were supposed to be a little smarter than that.

Let me spell this out for you. Why the hell did “grand-pere” put everyone in the book through all the God damn trouble if the “secret” is going to DIE with him and that is a GOOD thing, because the Priory never wants the secret to get out anyway. Just die already. Don’t contort yourself all up and flop your todger out you sick ass exhibitionist. Just die and take the damn secret to your grave. I learned a LONG time ago that the ONLY way to really keep a secret was to simply forget it. If you forget it, you can’t POSSIBLY reveal it.

Yes folks, I found myself identifying far more with the “villain” of the novel than anyone else. And just a side rant here, if there is “Priory of Sion” out there that is hoarding this Grail knowledge. Let me just say, “You suck!” Hoarding knowledge sucks, always, and just adds to the corrupt power structure of this evil little world we have created for ourselves. Release the knowledge and let the chips fall where they may. Do it and don’t suck.

And my poor wife. After being neglected for several days while I poured through the book every waking chance I had then had to take me to the hospital for a “mild” concussion after I slapped myself in the forehead so hard that I knocked myself out cold and left a huge red welt smack in the middle of my forehead for several days. OK, so I am exaggerating, it was only a couple of days, but the point is that THAT little stunt didn’t endear me to the wife and it is all YOUR FAULT because YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD MR. BROWN.

Sheesh! As you can tell, I am STILL not over it. It is only conceivable because it actually HAPPENED. I can still barely comprehend it. And don’t give me this literary interpretation crap about “Well, you see, it is SUPPOSED to be that way to mean that the whole quest for the Holy Grail is pointless, blah blah blah business.” Give it a rest. Poets beat that horse to death a long time ago with that whole “interpret as you will” kind of crap. You tried to put one more final little “twist” at the end and screwed yourself. And you thereby wasted every reader’s time who bought your stupid book.

And all of you critics out there that endorsed this load of excrement, DeMille, Cussler, Coben, Crais, Flynn. Especially you Mr. “This is pure genius” Demille. This is crap, idiotic and pointless. “This is pure genius”. Pfft! Obviously you are not! How do you miss the entire plot being OBLITERATED? Look! There went “suspension of disbelief” right out the window!

Thus, in parting, Mr. Brown, you obviously put a lot of hard work and hours upon hours of research and writing into the book and many more hours finely crafting many intriguing codes and snippets of truths and lots of good stuff and other research into this book. A “masterpiece” that you UTTERLY DESTROYED with a SINGLE SENTENCE and thus you have brought down the wrath of The Objective Observer and might I just leave you with a final word...moron.